Earlier this week I sat down with Barry from Boston, Lincolnshire, who was keen to get on the blog and share some views. Barry has expressed considerable concern on twitter over the rise in security threat levels in response to Islamic extremism, but reckons he has the answer…
Me: So, hello Barry and thank you for finding time to sit down and tal…
Barry: First of all right, I’ve had enough of this mate. I’ve had enough of this! It’s ‘appening too often and it’s all the fault of these bloody Islams coming over here and blowing us up! We need to do something now before our England gets turned into Mecca!
Me: Woah, straight in I see. Firstly can I just clear up that followers of the religion Islam are called Muslims, and not Islams.
Barry: I don’t give a toss what you call em’ mate, I’ll call em suicide squad if I want. The bloody lot of ’em are making me sick and nobody’s doin’ anything about it! It’s a disgrace!
Me: I noticed that your constituency had the highest percentage of ‘leave’ voters in the country in the EU referendum at 75.6% despite your MP being a “remainer”. Do you feel that others in Boston and Skegness have similar views to yourself?
Barry: We all think it mate, but not many of us have the voice to speak up, which is why I’m doing it for all of ’em, like Jonny, Tone and Dave down the pub. We’ve all had enough of ’em comin’ over here, nickin’ housing and jobs off the English which is why we all voted for the Brexit! They’re all coming in from Syria and Saudi Arabia with nothing but a weird book and an AK!
Me: You do know that neither Syria nor Saudi Arabia are European countries right? So stopping the free movement of European people maybe won’t do much to stem this…?
Barry declined to answer this question, so I swiftly moved on…
Me: On twitter you mentioned having a solution to the growing threat of Islamic extremism?
Barry: That’s right, I did. Those Muslims that go over to Syria or wherever and come back all radicalised and crazy, I can spot ’em a mile off. But it’s not as easy for others as it is for me you see, that why I’ve thought of this idea to weed ’em out and quite frankly mate I don’t understand why nobody in Westminster had thought of it sooner.
Me: Would you mind elaborating…
Barry: A ‘Muslometer’ mate! It’s genius.
Barry: It’s genius mate. It basically works like a breathalyzer. You stick it in the mouth of a Muslim, get them to blow on it, and if it turns up green you let ’em go, if not you put em’ on the first boat back to Pakiastiani. Simple.
Me: So this device…do you just give it to every person with brown skin? Because not all people with brown skin are Muslims, so how would you identify who to use it on?
Barry: Well it’s obvious init? Their beards mate. You whittle them down based on their beards. Everyone knows that the Muslims with the longest beards are the ones with the craziest of intentions. Just look at the beard on Osama Bin Laden mate! Saddam Hussein also had a little beard on him. It’s a simple and fool-proof method. The ones that don’t have beards are mostly alright, they’re probably doctors or work down the corner shop. It’s the ones with stubble that you have to be really careful of though, because they’re on the verge of something and it’s not quite clear yet what!
Me: Wow, okay! So will women go free then?
Barry: We haven’t worked out a system for the birds yet, but Julie’s working on that, right after she gets the cans in.
Me: This device then, how will it detect that you’re an extremist?
Barry: It’s all in the breath mate, all in the breath. Those that have gone to those kind o’ countries, their breath gets contaminated with a mixture of explosive powder and rubble. The ‘Muslometer’ can detect that mix and instantly tell you if that person’s been dabbling with ISIS or not. I’m telling you mate, it’s the way forward.
Me: Hmmm. I’m not sure if I’m completely sold on this idea Barry. It seems quite extreme, not fully thought through, and will no doubt be very divisive.
Barry: Mate, you think I care if it’s divisive?! All I wanna do is buy my curry without Mohammed wanting to chop me ‘ead off on camera, is that too much to ask? This ‘Muslometer’ will make that happen mate, I’m telling you. In a few weeks time when May gets voted in again, she’s gonna come over here and beg me for one of these mate, you mark my words.
Me: I’m not sure we’re going to agree on this one Barry but thanks for your time and best of luck with your efforts.
Barry: Cheers mate.